Once Upon A Time As A Puppet

As much as I am excited for my mom’s pumpkin cake for Thanksgiving, I am even more excited for The Muppets! Miss Piggy plays a high-powered fashion editor. From former movie star to model, to dating outside her breed, who doesn’t love tracking and admiring her career! Living in New York, I picture Miss Piggy…trying to make her return to Broadway.

Dear Wicked Producers,

Bonjour! Ca va? Now that some time has passed from our last meeting, I would like to revisit our discussion on my Broadway return as Galinda in Wicked. Once again, you have my apologies over the 2003 incident at the Russian Tea Room during our last casting meeting. While Page Six did seem to exaggerate the disagreement, it was wrong of me to have thrown the table while screaming HI-YAH!!! in response to your opinion that a pig could not play Galinda, and certainly a waste of delicious petite-fours. I believe in expressing my feelings at all times, unless you are trying to hide something. For the record, The Russian Tea Room has recently revoked their ban on myself and my entourage of kitchen rats, and I think Kristen Chenoweth, while quite skinny, was an excellent choice, and I enjoy her on Glee (the recipients of my next letter). 

You may have noticed that I have returned to the big screen in the well-reviewed new film, The Muppets. New York Magazine kindly commented on how my previous work has stood the test of time. Furthermore, I have been part of a high-profile press tour. You might have caught my interview with the charming blonde tv host on her show, Chelsea Lately. I was the sought-after model of a stunning fashion shoot for In Style Magazine (who did not request I lose any weight, and the designers custom tailored gorgeous pieces to my size, which you should note to your costume department), and the Fug Girls (who I hear are hip) did a piece on my style evolution. I even inspired a shoe, which will hopefully resolve the issue of whether or not my hoof can support a glass slipper, ruby red slipper, or any kind of slipper required by wardrobe. I am a spokeswoman for MAC Cosmetics, supporting new beauty items inspired by Moi (please note to your makeup department, that MAC had absolutely no problem working with my allergies). While I at first thought it was invasive, but my people convinced me otherwise, Marie Claire wrote about what I keep in my purse. And while there has been ridiculous speculation about my relationship, Kermie and I are as strong as ever, and I would like to also formally submit him for the role of my love interest, Fiyero, even though he ends up with Elphaba (I think this would bring a powerful new meaning to “it’s not easy being green”). Clearly, my press is c’est bon. I even plan to write a book when I can find the appropriate writing attire and color coordinated pen. I am on twitter, which I don’t understand, but is more about my support of birds. But enough about my relevance.

I will briefly point out to you, ONCE AGAIN, my spectacular voice, as seen when we made out Broadway debut in Muppets take Manhattan.  And let me say, ONCE AGAIN, that I am well-versed in the character of Galinda, having played her in The Muppets Wizard of Oz. While I realize this was for television, I did thorough research, including traveling to Kansas, and had flights been available to Oz, I would have traveled there as well, however my rats called every airline and it simply isn’t a real place. Most phone attendants even hung up on them. Hmmmph. Sadly I was overlooked for an Emmy, but awards? As I have said, what are awards? Mere baubles, mere bagatelles, mere brussel sprouts. I give no thought. And finally, let’s discuss my physical resemblance, ONCE AGAIN, to Galinda. My sparkling blue eyes. My blonde hair. I look great in pink and blue and taffeta, and the glove? I made the silk glove happen. And moi’s hair has natural curls, so does my tail. This should save pre-show prep time.

Most importantly, Wicked, is about  a witch helping free animals from their cages, and allowing them the power of speech. As a speaking animal, I have always been a strong supporter of these rights. And the idea of my speech being taken away? Well, the horror. Although Kermie might approve! HAHAHHAHAAA! (Please note my knack for comedic timing). But in all seriousness, this musical will make a statement for animal rights, bringing the message full circle, by casting an animal. I am a pig, and as a pig, I have always stood out. Audiences will empathize more so than they have with your previous “actresses.” There is the satisfaction of providing your public with a vision of true beautology, true sytlisity, – how can I put it? – true glamorositude.

I look forward to further discussing the role, the complexities of portraying Galinda, and most importantly, my contract. I also welcome any gifts that may be sent to further entice me to agree to the role, especially working on Sundays, especially diamonds. I have long been waiting for a strong female pig role, and this is it!

Miss Piggy 

P.S.- Enjoy the enclosed truffles!  


Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Comments are closed.